What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 23.06.2025 11:05
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Comes on , in middle age.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
And i lived it daily.
But it wasn’t much.
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Especially a lifetime of it.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I think the readers, may guess!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
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For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Why does Filipino culture dictate that parents should be treated as gods?
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I write beautiful poetry .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
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Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
She married twice! .
So whats the point in blame.
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He knew the spot.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
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My mum and dad in the seventies!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
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Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
She loved him until the end.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
She found it foreign!.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
(And it was in our own minds.)
My family never makes their pension either.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I said to her
I was 9 years of age.
He resisted the act ,that day.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
It was going to be , some day.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
She wouldn,t have been !
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Why did i forgive my father ?
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I was scared of men, in general
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
We were not on the streets..
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I could never make a relationship work though!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
My life is so biszare .
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
What did i know ?
I was very sick at this time too.
When she asked me how she looked .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I was seconnd youngest,
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Put me off passion for life!!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
She was in good health!
I have no regrets .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Would this be the day?
I don,t even have a pension.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Im still living with it.
This is soul school!.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
We all went to grammer schools
One cannot live in the past .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
So, i spoilt her more .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
But ive been too sick for many years..
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I couldn’t, believe it.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
But, we were locked up after school.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
As i do to all so called friends.?
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I had hoped to write a book about this .
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Who then, do I blame.?
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I will be 64.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
They are buried together, in the same grave..
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I waited trembling.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Ive learnt so much.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I never cut or harmed myself..
All the time i was locked up.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.